Breaking Free from the Norm: A Fresh Look at Choosing Motherhood

What if the societal norms we follow are not genuinely our own? Ever questioned how much of your life choices are influenced by society's expectations? Join us in this riveting episode as we flip the script and delve into my co-host, Callie Hughes's transformative journey into parenthood. As a self-care coach and nurse practitioner, Callie opens up about her decision to foster, shedding light on how this independent choice awakened a maternal side she never knew existed.

Embark on this fascinating journey with us as we explore the profound difference between 'falling into' motherhood and consciously choosing it. Callie shares her candid experiences, highlighting the shift in her mindset and emotions when she actively decided to pursue foster care. This heart-to-heart episode offers a fresh perspective on how societal expectations can shape our life decisions and how we can break free to carve our own paths. Whether you're a parent, aspiring to be one or simply intrigued by the complexity of societal norms, this episode promises to make you rethink your life choices and perhaps, inspire you to choose differently. Tune in for this enlightening conversation!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Breeson podcast. Today's episode is actually a part two to episode 50, in which I talk about being child-free by choice. It ended up being one of our most popular episodes, so we thought it would be really fun to flip the script and have me talk to Callie a little bit about her parenthood journey and also her decision to now become a foster parent. So we ended up just hitting record on one of our conversations because we realized we were talking a lot about the decision making process whether you are choosing to become a parent or choosing to be child-free and how much society and culture affect our ability to make that decision. So we hope you enjoy the episode.

Speaker 2: 0:44

Welcome to Breeson a weekly podcast where we get down and dirty on how we can live a more bold, curious and vibrant life. We are your hosts Callie Hughes, a self-care coach and nurse practitioner, and Valerie King-Miller, a business growth and mindset coach. In this podcast, we are helping women stop people pleasing and perfectionism, awaken their inner badass and discover what can happen when we take the lead in our own life. Join us as we explore everything available to us, when we brazenly take accountability for our life and well-being. Let's get started.

Speaker 2: 1:25

So one of the things that, like I've kind of just noticed for myself is I think I kind of, you know, just with my past, with like all the people pleasing and just doing what I should do, like I did all of my stuff really early because, like I'm such an overachiever. So I got married at 22, which is insane for me to think about right now. It's like I was still a baby, but like Garrett and I got married at 22. I didn't have my first baby until I was 28, but I never went through my childhood like fantasizing about being a mother someday and I honestly really don't consider myself a super maternal type of a person. So I think that, rather than it being an active decision between Garrett and I, where it's like we're going through the pros and the cons of, like do we want to have children? Here are the reasons why yes and here are the reasons why no. Like I think there was a big part of it that we just did it because I think that's like the next step, like that's just what you do. I mean, it's definitely not that I don't love my children. I absolutely am obsessed with them and I adore them.

Speaker 2: 2:51

But I've just noticed this really interesting shift in me when we decided, like we made the active decision to pursue foster care, and it's like the fact that I decided that I had the agency to decide whether or not to do this, it's almost like it has awakened this more maternal side of me, because it's like I have chosen to be a foster mom and I have chosen to bring these kids into my family, and it's like just this whole new dynamic, to like the motherhood piece of me.

Speaker 2: 3:40

That is super interesting to notice because you know where I was definitely like. It's not that I hate being a mother, it's just. It was almost just like it was a given, like this is just what you do, whereas this was an active decision and it feels different to me than when I had my own biological kids. So it's just like super interesting and I know that this probably is going to like sound weird to some people like especially people who are, like you know, maybe really wanting kids but like you can't have them for some reason. But that's just like my experience with it because, like it does feel different. There's something different about it when you decide that you are going to make that decision, like having the agency, rather than just kind of going along with what you should do. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 4:40

Yeah, I think that there are more people that kind of fell into and this is not scientific, this is just my anecdotal experience from like my group of people but that people sort of fell into motherhood more than actively deciding to do it.

Speaker 1: 4:58

And I just remember, like you know, friends from a long time ago, being like, yeah, we just kind of went off birth control and we're just going to see what happens, but they weren't like actively, like yes, or actively no.

Speaker 1: 5:09

And I mean, I think in that sense you're kind of actively yes. But I just think it's interesting because I'm like I always just assume you're either going to be like oh, my God, I can't wait to have a child or hell, no, I'm not having children. But I, you know, there is that kind of middle ground where you're like, yeah, I think, you know, it's kind of the next piece in my journey. So it's just very interesting. And like, I don't know, everyone has just kind of a different sort of path and I always wonder if I had children, or like if I had been kind of in a more like stable relationship in my twenties, if I would have had children, like if I got married, would I have had children? Because I think as you get older, you're kind of like, no, I'm pretty happy with my life, like I don't really want to shake things up.

Speaker 1: 5:57

And I mean I was always a lead bloomer, so I don't think I ever would have been in that place where I felt comfortable having children. But it is interesting to see, like I think, because people are getting married later and or not even getting married, like and sometimes, you know, there's still that stigma of having children outside of wedlock whether people are just not having children because they're now, you know, 35 or 40 and happy with their lives and not necessarily wanting to, like, add an unknown element to it?

Speaker 1: 6:24

I don't know, yeah, I mean it's. There's a lot of different sort of elements to that.

Speaker 2: 6:30

But yeah, I mean, I know that a lot of people that I've talked to have been like yeah, I want to have the freedom to go on a vacation when I want to go and work overtime and not have to worry about like who's picking my kids up and who's making them dinner, and I think that the generational differences is such a big and interesting factor because there are so many different pieces of it. But it's like why are people in our generation having fewer kids? Is it because we're waiting longer to get married? And then we're like, yeah, I'm good and like you're kind of. It's like bypassing that early 20s thing where it's like you fall into motherhood because that's just what you do, like you get married and then you have the kids and it's just that's what people do. There's really no deeper thought process around like is this actually what I want, or is it not Like I think that there's something so magical about turning 30 because you're just like you don't care what other people think as much anymore. At least, that's what happened with me.

Speaker 1: 7:47

No, that's so true.

Speaker 1: 7:48

My mother always says she like doesn't think people should get married before they're 30, because she's, like you know, by that point you're kind of like I know who I am and I always just thought that was a great like, especially someone from our parents' generation saying you know, now like you're still forming in your 20s, but by the time you hit 30, it is kind of that point where you're like, yep, I kind of know what I want. I mean not always like you're still always growing no matter what age you are, but there is a piece of it where you're a little bit more confident in your convictions, totally yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:23

I mean like when you're in your early 20s and even in your mid 20s, it's like your brain is literally still developing. You're so much more easily influenced by your peer groups and your parents and you put so much more stock into what other people think about your life choices, whereas once your brain is like fully mature, once you're like 25 to 30, then you're like you know more about who you are as a person and what you want out of life. And I think that the thing that we're seeing with the trends of people having, like getting married later and having fewer children, is kind of just like the natural consequence of us waiting until our brains are fully matured to be able to make an informed, intentional decision about how we want the rest of our lives to look and like it's married, maybe it's not, maybe there are multiple kids or you know something like that.

Speaker 2: 9:38

Maybe there are no kids. I think it's just like people kind of just are able to make that choice and kind of, like I said earlier, like it feels so much better when you are actively pursuing something that you want and then you get it like if you just fall into motherhood, how are you going to be able to make something to feel when, like all of the typical motherhood stresses come up, like you're probably going to be so much more prone to like getting burnt out and like feeling those you know just feelings of like regretting. You know what you might have had kids when you did and versus, if you waited and made the decision of like yes, I want to be a mother and I am going to actively pursue that, like whatever that means, and then you become a mother, then it's like you're still going to have the same stresses, but I think you're going to be a more resilient to them, because it's like, no, this is what I want and I chose this.

Speaker 1: 10:43

Yeah, it's so funny because I think that subconsciously played into my decision not to have kids, because I don't like to have a lot of guilt about not being able to perform at a level that I want to, and I feel like I've always been really passionate about starting a business and having a podcast and all of that and the idea of juggling kind of my tendency towards workaholism which isn't always a good thing and motherhood. I think I would just always be feeling guilty on both ends and I'm like.

Speaker 1: 11:16

I'm constantly in awe of parents who juggle both and seem, you know, okay mentally because I'm like I don't know that I would be okay with all of this. It is something you have to kind of way, and I think if you do, if you're not making a conscious decision, it probably is going to hit you pretty hard. The reality sort of sets in.

Speaker 2: 11:37

I mean, you would know better than me but yeah, it just kind of makes me think that if you're always going to be feeling unfulfilled, I think a little bit if it's not something that you actively chose, and then you're always like, well, what if my life hadn't played out in this way? So, yeah, it's like an interesting thought experiment to be like you know, yeah, what's going on here, like why are people, you know, making that decision? More Cause, I think it's interesting that we kind of have both sides of the coin, like you've chosen not to have kids and I've probably passively chosen to have kids, but then I've also made the active decision to like become a foster parent and like I can tell you it feels very different, like I feel like I have so much more patience for the typical kid nonsense now, because it's like I don't think I subconsciously think of it as like a massive inconvenience. It's more just like this is just kids, like this is how they are, and so, yeah, it's really interesting.

Speaker 1: 12:51

Yeah, I really would love to just hear from people about why they chose to have children, or whether they sort of passively fell into parenthood, or why they chose not to have children, cause I think you know all the reasons behind it are pretty fascinating. I think everyone has a very different kind of take on what that parenthood or lack of parenthood journey actually looks like for them.

Speaker 2: 13:16

Yeah, so send us an email. It'll be linked in the show notes. Send us an email and let us know your thoughts and kind of what camp you fall into. Cause, we're all about empowering women to take charge of their lives and feel empowered to make those intentional decisions, because that's what's going to help you feel like you, you know, for one, have control over your life and for two, you know, you're going to feel so much more life satisfaction when you know that this is something that you're choosing for yourself. So, rather than being just a passive player in your life, be the active person making the decisions. So that's kind of the brazen lifestyle that we subscribe to. So let us know what your thoughts are on this really random, off the cuff recorded episode. All right, keep being brazen out there. Bye, bye.

Speaker 1: 14:21

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the brazen podcast. We'd love to hear more about your parenthood or child free journey, so please feel free to email us at hello at brazenwomencom If you liked this episode. Please rate, review and share the episode so we can get the word out there. We'll be back here next Tuesday, but in the meantime, keep being brazen.